worst day ever so far

Yesterday I was apprehensive about my meeting with Elders. I asked about best and worst case senarios. They didn’t even want to consider worst case. So I left thinking best case is not too bad. Just means waiting. Today Jason clarified a statement I had tried to find a loop-hole with. Today he said please do not communicate with David. At first I thought I cannot do that! But then I got to thinking… The guidance from them I am supposed to view as coming from Jehovah since they are appointed to thier position by God’s Holy Spirit. So would I ignore it if God himself were speaking? I know everything God requires is for our benefit since as the creator He knows us better than we know ourselves. This something our love can survive. Regardless, I cried the whole afternoon at work. Then I took the $40 I found in my makeup bag and went to KMart. I tried on clothes, looked at makeup, but only purchased lotion that I was out of, a rug for outside the door (both were on clearance), and a mirror. I’m 28 years old after all, I should have a mirror in my room! MOm called and reminded me to call Ron and see if I can get my car in the shop tomorrow to have the new tires put on and him see what’s making that grinding sound. I hate cars!! Except corvettes of course. Well anyway…I’m trying to function and do normal things like laundry, but all I can think of is David. I listened to some songs on youtube that made me think of him today. I kept writing them down and putting these little pieces of paper in my pocket until I got home. Sometimes I think DJ doesnt’ understand what is going on. I can’t date/marry him until he is baptized. I can’t sleep with him untill we are married. I can’t talk dirty until we are married. I can’t talk at all anymore to him until he is progressively studying the Bible. That could be months. My whole body aches without him. Monday I thought I couldn’t go another day without seeing him; I wanted to drive over there so badly. Now… I fear a deep depression even my positive thinking and high hopes can’t prevent. I am positive things will work out and David and I will be together within a year if he so chooses. but, that is not now. now, is a dark lonely cold empty all those negative adjectives place. With David the sun shines brighter the air is cleaner my head is lighter my eyes see pure and clean. How am I going to get through one more day? NOt to mention the next day. I just kept praying for God to give me the strength I need to get up off the floor. Everytime I get a text from him saying how much he loves me, it’s like the darkness never existed. at least for a moment, so I reread the text. I’ve never been patient, but I can fake it, so I will wait for you my love. Here is a song of gratitude: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpspGHeLOPE
This day has been so exhasting. I only had time for 180calories. That was pre-no talking. IDK if I will eat 2mrw. I just want to go to bed…and never leave. (wish it was david’s)
I don’t even know what all  i just wrote.my head is hazy. this is all just such a mess. and it’s all my fault. i’ve done it before just not so intense. I sent the first text to Stephen- that turned out bad and difficult to get passed, but didn’t mean anything really. I sent the first text to David- this will turn out fantastic because I love him and want to spent forever by his side.but that is not right now. all i feel right now… LOve Sucks. not really, i love loving him. i just wish he were in a position i could love him and love him and love him. lol 😉


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