sleep

I think last night i actually slept a little. I still feel aweful. Not sure if it the sick in my throat or the sick in my heart. Friday at lunch I had studied my watchtower and Saturday all I had left was to look up the scriptures. After my meeting with the elders I finally did sit down and finish studying. It was then I realized I haven’t been looking up the scriptures and I had only been quickly underlining answers. I was not being a student of the scriptures but a shallow poser. While looking up some suplemental articals, I came across some information that may prove helpful to me in my situation. I will post after I look at it. I am concerned about David. I know he is upset. I hate when he is stressed, frustrated, angry, or any other negative emotions. But I know those are difficult to resist right now. Sarah and I are getting along again enough. She told a little of what I’ve missed; which is really why she was so upset. Kevin and Taylor had her come along while they looked at rings! She hid in the restroom until they were leaving. Sarah has been eating in her sorrows and gained weight back to before she went on the tuna diet. I’ve been hungry all the time and gained a little myself, but only like five pounds. I wore a medium size skirt today! I only have one cuz my aunt loretta gave it to me when I was telling everyone I needed a black skirt. This is the first time I’ve worn it I think. Before the meeting Stan asked if I could meet at 1ish, but after the meeting Jason asked if I could do Tuesday night. I told him I work till 6 so it’d have to be after that. A judicial committee will meet to decide if I am repentant and if the matter requires I be disfellowshipped or publically reproved or what steps need to be taken to help me regain Jehovah’s favor after what I’ve done. Looking at how hurt Sarah is looking at Kevin and Taylor, when they are now both baptized, I can only imagine the pain I was causing to ppl looking at me and David. Yes I still love him and always will. Yes I still want to be with him. What I want though is for us to be together the right way, a union blessed by God. Everyone is just looking out for my best interest, even when I am not. They are also concerned what effect my actions and influence have on others. Well anyways, I found some old pictures last night that I didn’t know I had. I want to upload some of them. Some I was teasing Grandma and Kevin with. I had never seen some of those photos. I kept thinking that the box under the desk was Sarah’s stuff. Huh. Ok, I am exhausted. Nap and then read a little and then idk what. maybe another run if I’m upto the task. Sarah is working til 7 tonight. At least she will be home later, so I can sleep again. We both have tommorow off work; I wonder if she will be up for doing something together. Or maybe I will just be finding other things to occupy my time and my mind. Not thinking about David constantly is impossible! Not talking to him is proof that with God all things are possible. So I am succeeding one day. Let’s see if I can beat the record from last time. Really this is a way I can prove my love. My love for Jehovah first of all. My love for myself. And yes also my love for David. I am showing that it is true and lasting. ok time to sleep, maybe.

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